meeting the family: days eight and nine.

Prettiest smoke bomb I've ever seen.

Playing a game with the kids.

This is the cutie that stole my heart.

She was obsessed with my hair, grabbing it and playing with it constantly. She asked a few times, "Where did you get your hair?"

I peeled that grape for her and it was then that I realized that I'm screwed when it comes to parenthood because I will do anything for an adorable kid.

It turns out he's really sexy when he sings in Chinese.

Tony, me, his sister-in-law, mom, and dad.

Days 8 and 9—our last two entire days at Tony's home—were filled with family.

On day 8 we ate lunch at one of his uncle's house and there were so many people. My favourite part was playing with the kids. There were a couple of little boys and we enjoyed teasing each other, playing kungfu, and setting off smoke bombs. There were a few little girls and we (literally) skipped to the store where I bought us all (insanely cheap and delicious) candy and gum. The one who stole my heart was the little girl in yellow above. Three years old with the best laugh and eyes. So busy, woah.

We spent hours at that uncle's house, went home for about an hour, and then went to another uncle's house for supper, with all the same people. There wasn't time to play with the kids, but I talked to the adults a bit more (with my measly Chinese and Tony's translations), and we all laughed a lot. I was a bit frustrated because yes, we were laughing together most of the time, but there were definitely a few times they were laughing at me.

But as I looked around the table that night, feeling simultaneously overwhelmed and happy, I realized, This is a family. This is a really big family and they laugh together and eat together, they argue and fight, play games together, raise kids together. And I have a chance to be a part of it. This is the big, lively family I've always wanted, and it's not what I imagined, but it might be mine. I might be theirs.

And I had the same realization the next day, when we were again at a different uncle's house for lunch, and then everyone was at Tony's house for supper. And then we all went to KTV (karaoke) and I listened to people sing Chinese songs and they listened to me sing Spice Girls and Shania Twain and Tony and I did a duet to "American Pie." We all clapped for each other and laughed and beer was drank and spilled and arguments were had and some feelings got hurt but in the end, it was all good.

It was all good.

P.S. Days one, two, three, four, five, six and seven.

meeting the family: days six & seven.

Days six and seven were pretty uneventful. So much so, that I don't even really remember in detail what we did. I know that some more of Tony's extended family dropped by to visit and I felt right in my element, getting into a tickle fight with kids. But since not that much happened, I figure now is a good time to tell you about one of the things I've found the hardest about being here...

It's the yelling. I've mentioned it in a few of the daily recaps, specifically days three and five. Tony's family yells all. the. time. And I should be used to it, because all Chinese people do. At least, that's the way it seems after the year and a half I've been here.

They yell while they're shopping, while they're eating at restaurants, while they're playing a game. And they almost always sound angry, to the point where I usually ask Tony, "What are they fighting about?" and he always laughs at me and says they're not fighting. It's just the way they sound; it's a cultural thing and a language thing. I really thought I was used to it; I can almost tune it out now, no problem, and it usually doesn't bother me. 

But then I came to Henan to meet Tony's family and their yelling has really been bothering me. I'm constantly asking Tony, Is she/he angry? Are they mad? What are they saying? What's wrong? 

And nine times out of ten, nothing's been wrong. No one has been angry. 

No one has been angry. 

It's such a weird idea to me, that families can yell like that, and nothing is wrong and no one is mad. No one is going to storm out or throw things or start swearing. Because when I was growing up, when people started yelling like that, someone was definitely angry. And shit was going to go down. Shit did go down. 

So that's why when Tony's mom or dad or niece or aunt or uncle yells, I automatically get tense and feel upset, like I'm going to cry, like I have to yell, too, like I have to be ready. Ready to fight? To yell back? To leave?

I can't expect his family to change for me (and I don't), but I am very grateful that Tony doesn't raise his voice this way (although he has a couple of times here), and I'm just going to keep reminding myself: No one is angry.

P.S. Days one, two, three, four, and five.

meeting the family: day five.

Yesterday was Chu Xi (Chinese New Year's Eve). It's a pretty important day in this culture and I should probably try to explain it to you, but honestly, I'm feeling a little burnt-out, so I'm just gonna let you google it and find out about the decorations, fireworks, and red envelopes with money. Then I'm gonna write a few words under these photos, tell you a couple stories from last night, and call the Day 5 recap done. 

Tony helping his mom in the kitchen.

"Hi, buddy!" I said.

Me: "How much did that water cost?" Him: "3 kuai." Me: "WHAT?! We pay 18 kuai for it in Beijing!"

I call this photo: Awkward Bubble Gum Selfie In An Alley.

The name of the game yesterday was LOUD. During Chinese New Year, fireworks and firecrackers are on sale at every "convenience store" and they were set off ALL DAY yesterday and MOST OF THE NIGHT.

A home ready for the New Year, with "chun lian" hung around the door. Please note the firecrackers that have been set off.

Tony and his nephew set off fireworks last night while his niece laughed and I yelled, "Be careful!"

So, the stories: 

(I hope you googled the red envelopes and giving money.) After dinner, Tony's mom stuffed a huge wad of money into my coat pocket. I mean, a lot of money. And since I'm not a little kid, I really wasn't expecting it, especially the amount it was. I tried to push her away and said, "Bù, bù, bù!" (No, no, no!), but she wasn't having it. Tony, his niece, and I were on our way to visit his aunts' and uncles' houses, and I didn't think it was a good idea to carry around so much cash, so I hid it in our room. 

Fast forward to a couple houses later, we were leaving Tony's aunt's house (his mom's sister), and I had both my hands in my coat pockets. His aunt reached for my right pocket, and I thought she wanted to hold my hand, like she did the other morning. So I took my hand out and she grabbed it, roughly, and reached her other hand into my pocket. The pocket the large amount of money had just been in. Tony started shouting at her and she shouted back. She was also shouting at me and they both sounded angry and her hand was still in my pocket and Tony started yelling at me, "The money! THE MONEY!" I was so confused and I was getting upset because I didn't understand anything and they were YELLING and she still had a death grip on my hand. Tony yelled at me again, "The money!" and then it dawned on me: The money! She's trying to take the money! Her sister must have told her she was going to give me so much money and she isn't happy about it for some reason, so she's trying to take it from me. Tony and his aunt were still yelling at each other and at me; she was still grabbing my hand and my pinky felt like it was going to be torn off, so I started shouting, "Let go of me! LET GO OF ME!" They kept yelling at each other and finally she let go, clearly upset. Tony walked over to me, reached into my pocket, and pulled out some money. Oh. She was trying to GIVE me money. Now I felt stupid. Really stupid. But still upset. And Tony and his aunt were still yelling at each other as he took the money and walked back upstairs to her apartment. 

Afterwards, I took a few deep breaths because even though she wasn't trying to steal my money after all, just wanted to give me more, the whole thing still freaked me out. And Tony didn't really understand why I was upset and I was all, Hello? If someone had just given you a lot of money, and then a little while later someone else reached into your pocket and grabbed your hand so hard it hurt, and someone else was screaming at you, "THE MONEY! THE MONEY!" and they were both screaming at each other, and you couldn't understand anything, what would you think was happening? 

"Ohhh," he said, "I should have told you my aunts would try to give you money for the New Year. You know, the red envelopes." And I did know about the red envelopes, but I thought it was for kids, and wouldn't be so forceful, and also, I hadn't seen any red envelopes.

***

A few houses later and we were visiting one of his cousins and her husband. Like everyone else, they tried to give us food, and we ate a little and politely declined the rest. And the cousin tried to give me and Tony's niece money, and we politely said no and didn't take it. And as we were about to leave, they said, "Wait! We're making her [me] a coffee!" And they were. They were brewing coffee in their kitchen and it was 9 o'clock at night so I asked Tony, "Why are they making me coffee? Just me?" So he asked them and they said, "Because she's Canadian." It made me laugh and they poured the coffee into two little paper cups and I double-fisted it while we visited the next few houses and I drank it happily because they made it especially for me and because it was the first non-instant coffee I've had in days. 

P.S. I think it goes without saying, but I just want to make sure you know, all of the people talking always speak in Chinese. I understand some of what they say, Tony translates some, and the rest is completely lost to me. 

P.P.S. Days one, two, three, and four.

meeting the family: day four.

People keep coming by. Cousins, aunts, uncles, neighbours and friends. Every time, Tony's mom or dad offers them food, practically forcing it on them. Apples, sugarcane, sunflower seeds, baozi, dumplings ("jiaozi"), soup.

And every time, I look at Tony and say, He/she is so handsome/beautiful! Part of this is because they really are good looking, but I think it's something else, too. Everyone I've met is just so nice! I might not understand what they're saying, but their smiles... those I understand. Everyone just looks so happy. They laugh all the time, and their eyes are literally twinkling, and they all smile at me, making me feel welcome.

Baozi for days.

Back to the food though... One of the first new phrases I learned here was "Wo bao le" (I'm full).

It seems like most of Tony's mom's day is spent in the kitchen. She is constantly preparing food that is fresh, healthy, flavourful, and (for the most part to my Western palate ;) delicious. 

Soon after we get up in the morning, we eat breakfast. A few hours later, we eat lunch, and a few hours after that (maybe more than a few), we eat supper. And at those meals, I'll eat a helping, but Tony's mom always tries to get me to eat more and more and more. Sometimes she takes no, thank you for an answer, but often, she doesn't. She'll even put food in my bowl AS I'm trying to wave her away. Sometimes I eat the extra food; more often, I sneak it into Tony's bowl. 

And in between all these meals, both of Tony's parents offer me snacks, practically insisting that I eat. Sugarcane, grapes, yogurt drinks, apples, sunflower seeds. Oh man, sunflower seeds. I have eaten SO many over the past four days and I think I've developed an addiction. Wo bao le.

P.S. Day one, day two, and day three.

meeting the family: day three.

And on the third day, I realized just how hard it will be to marry a Chinese person. Or rather, how hard it will be to combine our lives, our cultures.

***

I woke up yesterday morning around 8:30 and went to take a shower. I hadn't been looking forward to this; the bathroom in Tony's parents' home is the only room I don't really like. There's no heater and no window for the sun to shine through, only a small set of lights in the ceiling that give off some heat if left on for awhile. It is FREEZING in there. It's so cold that Tony chooses to go to a public shower instead.

I showered, and it wasn't too bad. I went back to the bedroom to blow-dry my hair, put on make-up, and get dressed.

And then Tony's mom started banging on the door and hollering. Tony hollered back. They sounded angry and I didn't understand a word of what was being said. Tony told me that his mom wanted me to come out because her sister was there and wanted to see me. His niece banged on the door and yelled, Tony yelled, and his mom banged on the door and yelled, Come out! My sister came yesterday morning, too, but you were sleeping! She wants to see Amanda!

I felt trapped. Anxious. On display. Tony, this is hard for me. I don't understand anything they're saying. I'm going to go out there and say "ni hao" and your aunt will repeat me and they'll all laugh at me, like they always do.

I alternated between snapping at him and pleading for help. I was naked, wrapped in a towel, and feeling so alone. This is the first time I've really realized how hard it will be to marry you. Everything is so different. The language, the food, the bathrooms, the habits. Everything! He looked sad, and I was quick to add, I still WANT to marry you! And I will. It's just hard. But you're worth it. This is worth it.

Finally, I hugged him, took a deep breath, and continued getting ready, all while people yelled on the other side of the door.*

We ate breakfast, noodles with eggs and vegetables, and what were basically dumplings made with egg instead of dough. Then we just hung out for the rest of the day. Reading, playing games on our phones and iPad. We taught Tony's niece to play Crazy Eights. He and I cuddled up in bed and watched The Talented Mr. Ripley on Netflix (highly recommend). 

Around 6, Tony's cousin and his wife came to take us to hot pot. They were so friendly, and we began asking each other questions, them with their broken English and me with my broken Mandarin. Tony translated when needed.

It was supposed to be just Tony and I going with his cousin to dinner, but as we were leaving, we ran into Tony's sister-in-law and niece. She jumped off their scooter and begged to come with us. No! her mom said. Of course! the cousin said. And she grabbed Tony's hand, while I held the other, and we were on our way. It is so clear how much she admires and loves her uncle. She follows him everywhere, has even tried to follow him into the bathroom a couple of times! I am loving watching the two of them.

***

It will be hard. But as mentioned above, it will be worth it. And I realize that again and again every day. Last night, it was while all of us were huddled together in a cab on our way home after hot pot. Tony's cousin up front in the passenger seat, his wife in the back on one side of me, Tony on my other side with his niece on his lap. Yes, definitely worth it.

P.S. Day One and Day Two.

*I have to tell you, even though they are yelling, they are not angry (at least not usually). It is just the way Chinese people talk. They are loud and some of the tones in their language are very harsh.

meeting the family: day two.

Like most beds in China, the one we are sleeping on here is hard. Way harder than the one we have in Beijing. I woke up a few times through our first night, but managed to fall back asleep right away each time. 

I woke up for good around 9:15 in the morning, so Tony and I got up and went into the living room where we hung out on the couch, playing a game on my phone that his niece got us hooked on. (It's called Juice Cubes.) While we were being lazy, his mom was cooking dumplings, so I had homemade dumplings for breakfast which were amazing and delicious. 

After that, Tony and I played Risk and then we had lunch and I felt like a lazy butt for being in my pyjamas all day, but he was all, No, no, it's fine, it's fine. (Once again, I want to remind you that everyone was wearing their coats inside and I was wearing two sweaters.)

I had given everyone in his family a present, and his sister-in-law and his mom kept saying they were going to buy me clothes. Since I got here, they've been offering to buy me long underwear and socks, and I've been saying, No, guys, I'm fine! In Canada it's colder than here; I'm okay. But they insisted and kept telling me they wanted to take me shopping. It was a nice gesture, but I kept asking Tony, What's wrong? Number one, do they not like my clothes? Do they think they're ugly? (Because I do wear a different style than them.) Number two, are they just worried that I'm gonna be cold? Do they think I'm an idiot who can't dress herself warmly enough? Anyway, it was fine, I thought we agreed no clothes would be bought for me, but then they said, Let's go shopping! Let's go look around! So I agreed to go look around. (I was a little overwhelmed because it sounded like everyone was yelling, but that's just the Chinese way; they're just loud and gruff when they talk.)

We got into a cab and drove to what I guess was a mall. There were people EVERYWHERE and everything was dusty and dirty in the street. (China is actually pretty clean, what I've seen so far, but it's kind of grungy here.) We went into the mall and Tony's sister-in-law and cousin were trying to get me to try on coats and shoes, and Tony kept saying, Just pick something you like. Pick something you like and then we can go home. I felt bad because I didn't want them to spend their money on me! Tony told me to just tell them I didn't like anything, but I told him he didn't understand: It's true, I don't like any of the stuff I've seen so far, but if I say that to them, it might hurt their feelings because this is the stuff they wear and I don't want them to think I'm rude. But I really don't want them to spend their money on me, especially on something I don't like. 

Then they took me to a different store, and I did see a pair of shoes I liked. Eventually Tony convinced me to tell them I had found something. Turns out, this was the only pair in the store and miracle of miracles in this land of women with tiny feet, they fit! So his sister-in-law bought them for me, which was really nice. But she still wanted to buy something else for me! She kept insisting I try on coats and wouldn't take no for an answer. Finally I told them I had been wanting a new purse so we went hunting for one.

His sister-in-law also bought me the candied fruit on a stick that I love, which was a nice treat. They also bought coffee mugs because they didn't have any at home. (Sweet side note: Before we came, Tony's mom bought what she thought were coffee mugs for me, but they turned out to be small teacups. Such a sweet gesture!) 

As we were on our way home, we came across what looked to me like huge poles. I thought they must have been for some kind of construction or something. Tony's sister-in-law went to buy some and the guy selling them took a huge knife and peeled them and then chopped them into big pieces. She passed me a piece; it looked like a big stick that had been peeled. I was thinking, Oh my word! How do I eat this? Tony told me you just bite it, so that's what I did. Turns out, you don't actually eat it, you just chew it, get all the juicy sugariness out of it, and then spit it out. Turns out, it's sugarcane! Sugarcane is delicious, but tough to chew. 

Then we came home and finished our game of Risk (I won). Tony's mom made dumplings for supper and another one of his cousins came with his wife and their baby, and oh my word, I got to hold this beautiful, chubby, Chinese baby. Her cheeks! It was the cutest thing watching Tony play with her, make faces at her. That was the first time I saw her smile, when Tony was making faces that I thought for sure would scare her, but she just laughed at him! A glimpse at my possible future. Ha!

P.S. You can read a recap of the first day here. 

meeting the family: day one.

I woke up Sunday morning at 5:30 and I'd only slept for a little bit less than 4 hours because of course, we hadn't started packing until 11pm or so. And so... we left around 7ish. 7:15 maybe? And we got a cab and drove to the train station and the train station really wasn't that bad, although, woah, you have not seen a lot of people until you've been in a train station in China during Chinese New Year (aka Spring Festival).

This does not do the amount of people justice, AT ALL. Inside was SO crowded, standing squished room only.

The only thing that kind of sucked was the bathroom, but I'm gonna consider it a win, because there was a toilet. It was dirty. There was poop on the floor and what may have been poop on the seat, but maybe that was only dirt from people squatting on the toilet, because that happens sometimes. But hey! there was a toilet, so, WIN!

Ignore the bags under my eyes. Remember, less than 4 hours of sleep.

And then we got on the train. Our seats were pretty good; there was lots of room. And then Tony said three words that are the best words ever to hear: "There's a toilet." So that was good; I didn't have to worry about holding my bladder for more than four hours.

When we got to the train station in Henan, we were supposed to take a cab to the bus station, but all of these private cab owners came over and were talking to Tony (In Chinese, of course. I was the only white person. From that day, that morning when we left at 7:15, since then, I have not seen another white person. I just realized that. No big deal, though, I'm used to it, being the minority. Maybe not this much, but it's okay). So, all of these private cab owners were coming over and usually Tony is like, No! No! No! and he was saying that this time (once again, all in Chinese), but then all of a sudden he starts haggling with a guy, trying to settle on a price. And the guy says, 400! And Tony says, No! No! 200. And I'm like, Woah! Because I think we're just trying to get a cab to the city center, to take a bus another three hours to his home town, Gushi (pronounced "goose"), so I'm like, 200?! Tai gui le! (Too expensive!) But Tony tells me, No, no. He will take us to Gushi. Okay then. Agreed. We go. But this driver is still trying to find other people to go. And I think, Oh my God. I thought it was just us; how many other people is he going to get? Finally, he finds an older woman, maybe 40, who's also going to Gushi. The three of us follow him to his cab and get in with all our luggage. And then he's still trying to find ANOTHER PERSON. So we're all yelling at him, No! We won't all fit! Come on, buddy! We all agree to pay him another 30RMB each and we're on our way.

Driving from the train station to Tony's hometown... oh my word! I thought driving in Beijing was bad! Now the traffic, as in number of vehicles, wasn't as bad as Beijng, but people were driving EVERYWHERE! Even though there was a double yellow line, cars were criss-crossing the lanes. 100km an hour, we're in the opposite lane, literally driving straight into oncoming traffic. This bus is coming right at us, we're headed right for it, we're in their lane, and then at the last second, we'd swerve back into our own lane. Nobody seemed nervous. Nobody batted an eye, not even me. It's so funny, the things you get used to so quickly.

Two and a half hours later, we get to his hometown. And I'm all, Oh my word, this is definitely not Beijing anymore. Tony points and says, there's where I live. But I don't see a home. We walked down a little alley and I have to admit, we had to pause for a minute so I could have a brief freakout because there was so much dust and dirt everywhere. Tony was saying, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I was saying, No, I'M sorry! It was okay, though. The dust and dirt everywhere is because the buildings are still under construction. They didn't look that nice, but then we walked into his apartment and I was like, Holy moly! Tony was worried I'd be disappointed, but it's beautiful! The chandelier in the living room! The beautiful wood coffee table! Obviously, things are "Chinese-y" as I would say, like pink and red bedding, pink curtains, and "Best wishes to you!" are written on the closet doors in English and Chinese. So yes, it's "Chinese-y," but it's really beautiful.

Tony had told me his apartment would be cold, that I'd have to wear my coat indoors, but I didn't believe him. So far, I haven't worn my coat, but I have been wearing two sweaters, and those of you know me, know that means it's cold. I'm used to it now, and actually feel pretty cozy.

His family is super nice (as I imagined they would be). His mom grabbed my feet and put socks and slippers on them because she was worried that I must be too cold. I tried to explain that I hate socks, but... I'm wearing socks even as I write this.

We went out to dinner with his father, mother, brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew, and his cousin and her husband came. It was one of the best meals I've ever had in China. Definitely in the top 5. My two favourite dishes were a hard crispy rice dish with mushrooms and chicken, and fish coated with egg. I should have taken pictures but I didn't.

His niece is the only one who can understand me most of the time, so she repeats what I said to whoever I was trying to talk to and then they say, "Ohhhh!" and respond, at which point Tony translates for me, haha.