happy (grateful) friday!

I've still been feeling blah. So blah, that it's got to the point that I've talked to Tony about it and a few friends and told them that I think I might be mildly depressed. I just can't seem to get out of this funk, which has lasted for more than two years so it's got to be more than a funk, right? And in grade nine, I felt similar to this, but way worse, and was actually diagnosed with Depression (and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).

Last week, it got so bad that Tony and I ended up having our biggest fight yet and I ended up crying so hard and by the end of it all I was literally sobbing in his arms. When I was finally calmed down, I told him that I wanted to try harder to do the things that used to make me happy, the things that made me feel like me. Because I haven't felt like myself in a long time. 

So I have been. And surprisingly, this week (my first week back to school after a two-week vacation, when you'd think I'd be experiencing the back-to-school-blahs), I've started to feel better. What have I been doing? 

Listening to music. Every morning while I'm getting ready, I listen to Songza or put my iTunes on shuffle. I also like to do this during my prep periods when I'm sitting in my classroom alone. 

Drinking coffee. At least one a day. 

Reading. Not just blogs, but I'm reading a novel! I used to read books all. the. time. Before I went to bed at night, in spare minutes between classes, on breaks at work, on the bus. Since Sunday, every night, no matter how tired I am, I've been reading a bit on my Kobo. Tuesday night I only read one page! But it's better than nothing and I love it!

Writing in my journal. I also used to write a lot in my journal. And then I stopped. Or slowed way down anyway. But I've always wanted to keep up that habit and I kept reading about how writing down just a few things that you're grateful for each day can help you be happier, so that's what I've been doing every night before reading. Sometimes it's hard to come up with even one thing, but once I do, things to be grateful for seem to flood my mind. 

So... because I also miss writing my "Happy Friday" posts that made me happier and seemed to make other people happier, I decided to share some of the things that I was grateful for this week, exactly as I wrote them in my journal:

+ It was after 5PM and Tony said, "Look, the days are getting longer" as he pointed out the window. This made me SO happy. How did I not notice this?

+ Our new — super cheap — shower curtain from IKEA that we cut a few inches off of so it would fit better in our small (short) shower. Small things make a BIG difference.

+ Jar full of the sunflower seeds that Tony's dad gave us.

+ Seeing The Lumineers in concert.

+ When they asked the audience to put away their phones and cameras.

+ That I brought tissue with me to the concert. (Bathroom was gross and no TP.)

+ Colleagues to talk to, get advice from, and laugh with.

Please tell me what made you happy this week and/or what you were grateful for!

P.S. Happy Valentine's Day!

jumping back in.

As I've mentioned before, I have not been blogging the way I want to. Or journaling. Really, I haven't been doing much of anything the way slash as much as I want to. But this evening I wrote in my journal and then I figured I could just copy what I wrote there, here. Now, it's not a sonnet or anything, but it's something:

It's been FOREVER since I've written in here which is not okay with me. (Except it kind of is because ebb and flow, right?) Anyway... I'm just gonna try and jump back in by writing down a few things I've had bookmarked:

+ "If you are in love—that's a good thing—that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don't let anyone make it small or light to you."

- Excerpt from a letter John Steinbeck wrote to his son

—> Made me feel better when people gave me a hard time about dating Tony last year. 

+ "Took today off when I found myself annoyed at a child for not being able to CARRY HER VOMIT TO A GARBAGE rather than puke on the floor." 

- Tweet by Brandy, @brandyismagic, elementary teacher

—> Made me feel better about when I get annoyed with my students and reinforced that we all need personal days!

+ "'Don't cold her. Don't airplane her. She don't like drive cars. Goldfish can't colouring.' - 3yo, reciting what not to do with our class pet

- My tweet from May 17, 2013

—> This was what G, my Chinese student, explained to me were the rules for Goldfish. (We had experience with them all :)

And now I must go get ready to go to dinner with Tony, Lin, and Kyle. I'm hoping to drink lots of watermelon beer!

Editor's note: I did drink watermelon beer! See below. 

Big Slice Watermelon Wheat at The Big Smoke in Beijing.

from my journal: 5 lessons I need to keep in mind.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

• You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved.

• No matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. 

• You shouldn't compare yourself to the best that others can do. 

• You can keep going long after you think you can't. 

• Either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I was flipping through my old journal the other day and found this list. So glad I did because all of these are applicable to me right now (and probably always will be!). 

The only thing I think I'd add is about the first point -- "All you can do is be someone who can be loved." You are already someone who can be loved. You don't have to change or do anything.

P.S. Read other entries from my journal here.

from my journal: be kind to yourself.

One morning a few weeks ago, I was straightening my hair and as I looked into the mirror, I found myself thinking nasty thoughts. I'm sure you know the kind. "Ugh, my stomach is sticking out too far." "My skin is so blotchy and red." "I hate my hair."

Really mean and nasty thoughts.

And all of a sudden, a new stream of thoughts entered my head. I wrote those thoughts in my journal as a reminder for the next time I start beating myself up:

"Don't talk negatively to yourself! You wouldn't let anyone talk to your friends like that! In a way, this is worse than someone else saying these things to you. Because it's in your head, no one else can hear and no one can defend you. Defend yourself! With happier, positive thoughts. Be kind!"

Now, when I find myself thinking negative thoughts, I try to replace them one at a time with a more positive thought.

Consider this a friendly reminder to be kind to yourself!

P.S. A moment for you. 

wisdom from the dinner table.

A few months ago, my family ate dinner at my Nan's house. I'm not sure how, but we ended up talking about walking and driving, and the possibility of getting lost. I don't remember what the exact conversation was but I think it had to do with me moving away or visiting a city, something along those lines.

I remember my brother exclaiming, "Amanda! How would you survive?!"

And I replied, "Getting lost doesn't mean you're not surviving." 

Huh.

I meant it literally: I won't die if I can't find my way. Then I realized that it was a good metaphor for my life right then. And now. And probably for the future. And maybe for anyone who feels lost.

So I did what any wise person would do. I grabbed a pad of post-its, scribbled the sentence down, and stuck it in my journal when I got home.

from my journal: over it.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

"The place you are in needs you today." - Katherine Logan

I've been complain-y lately, saying things like, "I'm so over [this]... I need to get out of here... I'm done being a student... etc, etc." And this quote made me realize, I'm only here for a while longer, so I should make the best of it or better yet, enjoy it. Plus, STU still needs me. Res Life still needs me. Vanier still needs me. And I hope my friends still need me.

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I wrote the above in my journal over a year ago and I'm so glad I did. The feeling of being "over it" is one that crops up from time to time. I think it's healthy to acknowledge it and reflect on why you're feeling that way. If you need to make a change, make it. If you need (and are able) to remove yourself from the situation, do so. But realize the place you're in and the people you're with may still need you.

her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect.

"I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything."

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

I wrote this in my journal last Fall. I thought to myself that I want someone to fall in love with me for those reasons. 

V. Woolf is spot-on.

"What sort of diary should I like mine to be? Something loose-knit and yet not slovenly, so elastic that it will embrace anything, solemn, slight or beautiful, that comes into my mind. I should like it to resemble some deep old desk or capacious hold-all, in which one flings a mass of odds and ends without looking them through. I should like to come back, after a year or two, and find that the collection had sorted itself and refined itself and coalesced, as such deposits so mysteriously do, into a mould, transparent enough to reflect the light of our life, and yet steady, tranquil compounds with the aloofness of a work of art. The main requisite, I think, on reading my old volumes, is not to play the part of a censor, but to write as the mood comes or of anything whatever; since I was curious to find how I went for things put in haphazard, and found the significance to lie where I never saw it at the time."

- Virginia Woolf

P.S. Excerpts from my journal. 

(Photos are of my journal. Quote via EvenCleveland)

from my journal: things I've learned.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Things I have learned this week:
1) Mornings are better when you pack your lunch and choose your outfit the night before.
2) Sandwiches taste better when they are cut diagonally.
3) Exercise really DOES cheer you up.

start the day in happiness.

"Why I Wake Early"
by Mary Oliver

Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who make the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories, 
and into the windows of, even, the 
miserable and the crotchety --

best preacher that ever was, 
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness, 
to ease us with warm touching, 
to hold us in the great hands of light -- 
good morning, good morning, good morning. 

Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.

(I first copied this poem into my journal on Thursday, March 18th, 2010. At that time, I was waking up early ever morning to go to class and I lived on the third floor of my building. Luckily for me, there was a big window on each of the stair landings. On many days, as I pushed open the hallway door to head downstairs, I was greeted by golden rays of sunshine, making everything glow. It felt magical and I'd end up bouncing down the stairs in happiness, in kindness.)

P.S. Can you tell I was going through my journals last night?

(Image via Pinterest)

a quote for tonight.

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." - Victor Hugo

I wrote this in my journal in February 2010 and I am so glad I did because every once in awhile, I stumble across it and I always think, "I needed this right now." I needed it tonight. I am tired lately. So tired. And the small sorrows of life are getting me down. But, I'm accomplishing my daily tasks. And for the most part, I'm doing so with a smile!

Soon, I'll go to sleep in peace. I hope you do, too.

from my journal: be love.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Driving on Regent today, I saw a vehicle with the words "be love" painted on the rear window. I really liked it. Be love. So simple but it means so much. 

on journaling.

I've kept a journal for the past two years. Sometimes I write frequently, other times, weeks pass without writing a word. Sometimes I write whole sentences and paragraphs, other times, I write fragments. My journal is a place where I jot quotes, write out my feelings, keep lists, and record things I want to remember. I've saved tickets from shows, notes from friends, magazine clippings, and other random mementos by taping them into my journal.

For the most part, my journal is very personal and I rarely let anyone read it.

Every now and then, I look through my journals (I'm on my second) and find inspiration and/or happiness that had been forgotten. I also find things that cause pangs of nostalgia. 

Today, I smiled and sighed contentedly when I read a quick observation I wrote back in August. That led to the decision that I'll occasionally share here what I've written in my journals.

Check back on Tuesday to see what made me smile!